A homeschool with no home

I took a mental health break from leading and instead of getting support from my group, I was criticized and replaced behind my back. Now my kids have no community and neither do I.

The wound is still fresh.

Tears are sure to fall.

Let me start at the beginning.

I’m sitting in a sunlit cafe in Brooklyn. The art is modern, the tables made of eco-stylish refinished tree stumps. I’m sipping my oat latte in a quandary. I am waiting to meet a fellow homeschool mom to discuss taking over the reins of a local chapter of a Homeschool community group. I cannot make up my mind. This group seemed to represent everything I loved about parenting and homeschool. Plenty of time in nature, crafts, community, an appreciation for the beauty and simplicity of a slow childhood even in the midst of this chaotic city. And books, of course reading, book clubs, living, life-giving and worthwhile books.

photography by Ambria Michelle

I was uncertain for a multitude of reasons. What had gone wrong, was there more to the story to why she was no longer leading? I had not always felt welcome and even had a very tense conversation with one of the moms in the past (that’s for another post) but at the heart of it, this group was everything any homeschool parent could want right? That was me, always looking at the heart of things, hoping for the best in people. I was also weary, I have been an organizer, group leader and community gatherer since middle school. I love bringing people together, and holding space for others. Unfortunately with so many years of being the space-holder I often don’t have space held for me. I’m the greeter, ensuring everyone feels welcome, I’m the encourager who offers a listening ear and whatever small bits of knowledge I can share. Occasionally I get that in return but the output has always been far greater for many years. That adds up. Should I take this on? Why did she choose me?

We chatted and I felt inspired, I cannot adequately describe the sensation I feel when met with the opportunity to expand a heart, let someone know they aren’t alone, share a story, hear a story, build a bond or a simple strand of connection. That is what life is about- whether it lasts for five seconds in two strangers knowing nods across a subway platform or a lifelong friendship. That spark, that shared experience is everything. So here I was again, leading a group. At this point it’s just who I am. Don’t fight it, Denise this is what you do, I thought to myself.

As a stay at home mom and homeschool mom my load was heavier and days longer so I talked with one of the other moms from the group who had showed me kindness and she offered to co-lead with me. We embarked on this journey and felt deeply for the cause to help create a loving, inclusive community for mothers and homeschool families. The othered, the unseen, the unsung, those for whom the hours are long, the pay is non-existent and society mostly shuns or just doesn’t get us. We longed to hold that sacred space in nature, in all seasons of weather and life.

photography by Ambria Michelle

The days were beautiful, we shared so much with each other, our children built such special friendships. We enjoyed nature, created crafts, had potlucks, nature walks and field trips. We celebrated births, mourned deaths and showed up for each other every week. We met on warm days and in the rain and snow. We lit fires and munched on s’mores. It wasn't perfect but it seemed, we had escaped the dreaded judgmental, drama filled curse of many parent groups, or any groups for that matter. We kept it real about our struggles and were intentional to make everyone feel welcome.

So many mornings as I struggled to get out of bed with the weight of my personal problems on my shoulders, just wanting to stay home. So many times when my home was cozy and outside cold, I decided to show up anyway. Days when I didn't feel like talking or smiling or laughing or hugging I showed up and did it anyways. I tried my very best to make every person feel seen and like they belonged. I talked and talked, and enjoyed every single conversation. I am so grateful to those who shared with me.

I started a book club for the kids to share my love of reading and give the parents a break. I watched the kids and read with them for a couple of hours so the parents could get a coffee, do work, whatever they wanted.

Years passed and life took my co-leader and her family on an adventure West. We shed tears and said goodbye. New members joined, life went on. My personal life began to weigh a bit heavier on me, anxiety crouched daily waiting to pounce. In the group, people wouldn’t read my emails or descriptions on the app and would show up at the wrong location texting me throughout for directions. People would show up two hours late every week, or come rushing in with fake- nice platitudes and hellos only to rush off shortly after. A family literally told me and my kids we couldn’t sit with them and then invited others who weren’t members of our group to join them at their table. I was shelling out money for events and actives and asking for donations to only get one or two- a total of about $10 here and there. I caught a few members rolling their eyes at me when they thought I wasn’t looking. My personal life troubles were not letting up. It was getting weird, I had no idea what to do but take a step back and reevaluate. It was time for a break.

I had to save myself, and come back with a fresh ideas, a new schedule and policies in place. I had a plan, a notebook, some new graphics and guidelines. Now all I needed was help, I went to see my mom, went to the doctor and tried to figure out my life.

I was gearing up for a rebrand, excited that although a lot was going wrong for me, my kids and I still had this awesome community. Then one night scrolling on Instagram I saw a new account for a local homeschool group. The description was pretty much the same as my group and a lot of the members of my group were following them. I noticed they had their first gathering on the day we usually had our gatherings, at the same park. I was so confused, like what?! So of all the people I had shared so much with for years, not one of them reached out to me to tell me about this group that is basically replacing the one I have been running? It’s the same ethos and members, same place and same day. After years of leading, and not only that, but what I thought was real friendship we are left out, and my kids are as well. Nobody told me, we were intentionally left out and now we have no homeschool community.

There is more than enough room for everyone to hold space, lead, create community- it is a beautiful thing. But this, is not the way to start a kind, supportive community. Taking the members from another group you were a member of, to do basically the same things at the same place and time and do it all behind the back of the person who helped create this space and brought you all together in the first place while they are suffering and dealing with mental health issues. I guess I’m not allowed to take a break.

Why do we do this? Why don’t we communicate our issues, tell our friends or community how we are feeling, what feels off and make suggestions? Why do we avoid, ignore or go behind peoples backs? We all have done it, and while not to this magnitude, I have too. When do we decide to show up and have the hard conversations and not leave people feeling betrayed or completely shell-shocked?

This is still very fresh, so forgive me if this feels overly dramatic or not well put together. This is my truth at this moment, it may shift and change and grow. But I know there is someone, who may not have experienced exactly what I’m talking about, but knows what it feels like to be left out. Who can relate to realizing the people you thought were your friends actually only care about what you can do for them. I guess I’m still looking for our people. I will never stop trying to build community for my kids and myself, but sometimes you just need a break.